“If he leads you to it; he will lead you thru it”. I have heard this many times. Hell, I have said it. Here’s another one; “God will only give you what you can handle”. Yeah, right. These are nice cliques to say until you are the one stuck in the middle of the storm. Honesty, what I really want to say, cry and scream is “Why me”? I didn’t ask for this. I never wanted this. I am not good enough for this! Yet, here I am realizing that my life may never be the same again. Realizing that no matter how much I hate it, how scared I am, how tired I am, it won’t just go away.
CANCER SUCKS.
CANCER SUCKS MORE WHEN YOU ARE 6 MONTHS OLD.
CANCER SUCKS THE WORST WHEN YOU ARE A FOSTER CHILD.
Currently we are in the pre-diagnosis phase. The doctors expect Opsoclonus Myoclonus. This is a rare form of cancer. It is typically caused by a tumor in the abdomen. The body tries to fight the tumor and it ends up attacking the brain too. Symptoms include loose stools (you can imagine his raw butt), body jerks and shaky eyes. The good news is that if we can remove the tumor in the early stages, prognosis is excellent. The bad news is that they can’t find it. The ultrasound didn’t reveal a tumor but it did show an extra spleen and, thanks to birth mom’s extra-curricular activities, an enlarged protruding liver. So now the search begins for the tumor. We have been driving all over the state seeing doctors and taking tests. There are more to come, including body scans. Our biggest fear is that they will not find the tumor. If that is the case, the decision of whether to treat him anyways (think chemo) will be discussed. Our doctors are calling other doctors and specialists. His case is currently being reviewed by many people.
I can’t begin to write about my emotions. I think back over the last few months and hold back my desire to sob. Baby T was born the same day as my mom’s funeral. He moved in shortly afterwards. I balanced those emotions and tried to stay strong. I watched as my middle son struggled and spiraled downward and tried not to grieve over the fact that he will always struggle and things will be difficult for him always. I have committed and recommitted myself to helping him heal and managed to stay strong. Lucky he has the world’s best therapist. She gets him and gets me. I have listened to my youngest daughter cry as she compared herself to her classmates and had begun to believe that she is stupid. I pulled out my mamma bear claws and marched my way up to the school and had a heart to heart with the resource room teacher. Since then she has embraced a new line of thought. There are many forms of smart and she has people smarts. I have watched as my oldest daughter curled up in the fetal position in a dentist’s office experiencing PTSD. I now drive her 45 minutes to a special dentist with hopes that braces may someday be a possibility that won’t cause further psychological trauma. I have watched as my middle daughter wrote the words “to lose weight” on a form that asked for her new year’s resolution. We no longer use the words “diet”, “fat”, “chubby” or anything close. I now substitute words like “healthy”, “energized” and “movement”. This stuff was all easy or at the very least doable. It can be tiring. Others may judge me as weird as I carefully choose words and behaviors are intentional. Sometimes, I just want to “be a normal family”. But all in all, everything so far was doable.
But This?
Cancer
I really don’t know if I am strong enough. Can I be strong enough to advocate in the medical office and in the court room? (Every test, every procedure needs consent and I have to prove that Baby T needs it). Can I be strong enough to meet the needs of my other children (some of them with very real and difficult needs)? Can I be strong enough to support my oldest son in completely enjoying his senior year as he should? (All without my garbage getting in his way). Can I be strong enough to protect our marriage during this stressful time? Can I be strong enough to keep myself healthy and mentally sound while I muck thru this?
I don’t want to.
I don’t have to.
I don’t need to.
But I will.
I love you Baby T.
I will not give up.
I will not quite.
I will breathe in and out.
I will.
